Self-Control

I woke with a start.  Shivering with cold and covered in sweat I was in the fetal position as it dawned on me that I was really really sick.  I wrapped my thin quilt tightly around my skinny malnourished form.   The cold Fall breeze felt like an assault as it slammed through the  metal grate in the open window.  My teeth chattered loudly and I shoved a bit of blanket between them to dampen the noise.  

Oh no,  not sick again.  It seems like I was sick so much anymore.  If I was too sick to participate in normal activities I would have to sleep on a cot in what ever room the staff happened to be,  right among all the other girls.  It was absolutely miserable.  There would be no medicine or comfort or food.  Plain unsweetened tea was the only thing allowed for the sick.  No one would be kind.  Sickness was viewed as laziness and weakness.  I dreaded being sick.  

My ice cold hands on my face revealed a raging fever.  My stomach gurgled and cramped.  I needed to get to a bathroom.

On my hands and knees I crept to the end of my bed and peered up at the wall clock.  3:30 am.   Saliva rushed into my mouth as a wave of nausea overcame me.  I clamped my hand over my mouth and ran.  I paused at the doorway to wake Miss Diana.  

She opened her eyes with anger and disgust.

“SICK!”  I managed to spit out one word then clamped my hand back over my mouth.  

“Go”  

Diana waved me on without moving her head.  I grabbed up the skirt of my long gown and stepped over her head.    Feeling guilty as my foot stepped into her mattress and she rolled her eyes at me.  

With sheer will and determination I forced the vomit rising in my throat to stay down until I dove over the summer staff girl sleeping in front of the bathroom door.  She opened her eyes and peered at me as I hurtled over her.  There was no door on the bathroom,  just a shower curtain over the toilet.  I just made it.  I retched and retched and retched.  My head hung in the toilet,  the cool porcelain was a welcome relief to my fevered brow.  Eventually my stomach was spent and I washed my mouth at the sink.  Pausing I stared at the girl in the mirror.  Sunken eyes,  ashen complexion.  Simply throwing up had caused my gums and my nose to bleed,  was that normal?  I splashed cool water over my face and shivered as I tried to walk back to my bed on legs of jello.  

The summer staff girl just glared at me as I disturbed her once again stepping around her on her mattress in the doorway.  

Diana just grunted as I clung to the doorframe and stepped over her head.    

I slipped back into my cold damp bed,  pulled the quilt up over my head and closed my eyes........

No!!  I leapt again out of the bed.  Stumbling as my feet caught in the hem of my flowing gown.  I careened into Diana’s mattress.

“SI--”

I could not even get the whole word out before I clamped my hand over my mouth and I just ran not even waiting for her response.  

A flying leap over the young bleary eyed staff girl startled her but she let me pass without comment.   I dove for the toilet and relieved myself .  My whole body exhausted and spent I rested my cheek on the toilet seat.  

“Mom”

I hugged the cool base of the bowl.  

I washed my face again and tried to drink a little water,  it made me throw up again.  

I could wring out my gown by now and was shaking so badly I could hardly walk.  I went to step over Miss Diana again and she grabbed my ankle.  It was so sudden and with such menace I cried out.  

“Don’t wake me again,  Sue”  

“Yes Maam”  

I fell into my bed and drifted into a fitful sleep.  Next time I woke up sick I ran for the door and tried to not wake Miss Diana.  It was impossible.  The entire purpose of her sleeping in the doorway was that no one could pass without waking her.  I took a huge step and caught her hair under my feet.  She roared and swung at my feet,  tripping me mid step.   

I fell face first into the hallway.   Vomit erupted from my mouth and nose and I slid in my own filth.  My cheek was on fire where it hit had the hard floor my jaw felt unhinged.  I ran my tongue over my teeth to see if they were all still in place as I used my trembling arms to push myself up.  

Diana’s face was red with rage.   She ordered me to take off my soiled gown.  I did,  wiping my hair and face as best I could with the driest portions.     I stood there cold and naked as the day I was born 5’9 and 88 pounds without a stitch of hair left on my body.  I shivered and wrapped my emaciated arms around myself in shame.  Diana turned and grabbed my bathrobe from my bed and threw it at me.  

Quickly,  awkwardly I slipped on the robe and followed Diana down stairs to get a bucket and rags.  We trudged back upstairs and I scrubbed the floor and walls and Miss Diana’s vinyl mattress.  I stripped her sheets and carried the bucket rag and sheets downstairs and put them in the wash while she watched with crossed arms.   

I remade her bed,  then showered while she stood guard.  I slipped into a clean nightgown and back into my damp bed.  

“It is called self-control Sue,  you know,  the fruit of the spirit.”   

“Yes Maam” 

I cradled my throbbing cheek in my hand.  The fever raged.     

I closed my eyes and dreamed of home. 






By, Susan Grotte